Dazed and bemused...

I don't like standing still. The world moves, and so should I. Why is it, that on a nice day - 70 degrees even - I find myself staring at a computer screen, pecking away at keys? I'd like to say I lack ambition. I'd like to say that, but it's not true.

I've limited myself. That's reality. I could call up a couple friends - maybe find something to do. But how do I pay for it? Ah, yes, there's the rub...

So, I could try to convince Ana to do something - hell, we even have a dog now. It's all the more reason to go out. We could even go somewhere local, or free for that matter. But then I realize she finds no joy in hiking. She would rather spend her day off vegging out. It's not like I can blame her. It's her work that stresses her out. After a week of stress, why spend an hour or two doing something she hates?

Back to reality. I have few friends who would enjoy the things I can afford, and there's only so much fun I can have alone. So where does that leave me? Sitting still, that's where. And there's virtually nothing I can do about it.

I woke up this morning with absolutely no initiative. Nada. Nothing. I must have stayed in bedfor an hour – eyes open, fully awake. When I finally rolled out, I planted myself on the couch. I haven’t done much since.

That isn’t to say I won’t do anything today. I do have to work at 2, and I can always do some laundry or dishes. I just hope the lack of motivation is a morning thing that will disappear as quickly as it appeared. Maybe it’s a health thing. I’m not sure. I have been eating well lately, but who knows?

Speaking of which, I stumbled upon a new health blog. It’s called Healthy Fellow. The guy who writes it has some pretty interesting things about healthy living. I think it’s worth a read.

Today was quite busy. Ok, I can’t say that. I didn’t really do much, but it felt busy.

I woke up this morning lacking ambition. Hard to believe, isn’t it? I got out of bed, and quickly realized breakfast would be a challenge. No cereal. No bread. Aside from some instant grits, my pantry lacked any significant breakfast items. Dismayed, I went to the store, and bought some bagels. And yes, they were yummy.

So aside from that excitement, I came across a new website. It’s called Vocaboly.com. It's basically vocabulary software. You can use it to increase your vocabulary, which is a nice little feature. I know I’ve spent good money on books for GRE testing, and now I think that was foolish. I should have just gone to Vocaboly.com.

I did do some kayaking today, too. I guess that counts as work, although I pretty much just sat in the middle of a pond, reading a book. I did have to paddle to get there, so I think that counts. And the boat isn’t light. It was no easy task lifting it onto my car by myself. I survived, though.

So now I sit here typing. And that’s the story of my day.

Lately, I've been thinking I need some direction. And while I've said that before, this time I think I actually have to DO something about it. So I've decided to write a list... A few lists actually. Of goals. If I can focus on these goals, maybe I can give myself some direction. I'll list my goals today. Tomorrow I'll give them a timeline.

Personal & Social goals:

Goal # 1: Better relationship with Ana.

I suck at relationships. I need to do better.

Goal # 2: Get involved outside of work.

I see myself joining a hiking club, or volunteer organization very soon.

Goal # 3: Do a better job re-connecting to old friends.

Nick and I have hung out recently, which is good. Now I need to hang with Josh Roop, Steve Medeiros, and all of my other old friends.


Work Goals:
Goal # 1: Perform my duties 110%, and achieve a promotion.

I can get there by working hard, regularly asking what more I can do, and continually seeking out business opportunities for the store.

Goal # 2: Continue my search for better opportunities.

I can't be sure EMS will be profitable to continue beyond 2009. I have to be prepared to move on, and I can't allow myself to be caught without a back-up plan.

Goal # 3: Learn about opening my own business.

Long-term that has always been my goal. I need to start now.

Goal # 4: Establish a working website to cater to thru-hikers.

I should have done this last month. I will do this by May 9th.

Goal # 4: Volunteer on a political campaign.

I've wanted to for a while. Why not now?


Intellectual Goals:
Goal # 1: Read 1 book every month.

This was my birthday resolution, and I've gotten off to a pretty good start. I'm nearly finished with 2 books now. If I can complete them before May 1, then I'll have met my standard thus far.

Goal # 2: Consider going back to school.

I'm not happy with what I've gotten out of my education. I'm sure I could do better the second time around.

Goal # 3: Learn new software applications.

I need to make myself more competitive in the job market. To do so, I need skills other applicants don't have.

It's been a tough few weeks, and I'm tired. I mean that in every sense of the word. Is it stress? Health? Emotional baggage? I just don't know. I'm on a treadmill as the world changes around me.

I found one of my old friends on Facebook just the other day. I haven't spoken to him in about 7 years. He's getting married. Come to think of it, so is Joe. I have friends being promoted, others moving around the country. My boss is planning a long hike on the ECT. But here I am. Just Rick. Doing nothing.

When I graduated high school, I thought I couldn't lose. When I finished college, I knew I couldn't. I left Walgreens assured I'd do better. Why haven't I? Where have I faltered when others have not? It seems like every move I make to improve myself, and create opportunities has exactly the opposite effect. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever make it.

My job is again being threatened. The sad truth this time is I've done nothing wrong. I took less money and a step down, and yet I may not ever get the chance to move back up. Eastern Mountain Sports has not posted a significant profit in 7 years. Our company's investors are restless, and our nation's economy couldn't be any worse. Several changes are underway. Wages are frozen. Payroll has been cut to the bone. Expenses are tightly managed. Just a couple weeks ago, several employees were let go. Our store in Canton is closing. Need I remind you, I make more than my position typically pays. Who's to say I'm not next?

And then there's the issue of Paul - my current store manager - and his trip on the ECT. I should be excited he's leaving the company. If his current Assistant, Diane, moves up, I'll have a promotion - maybe. That's a big "if". First, there are several candidates for his position, and I have no idea how well respected Diane is within the company. But assuming she moves up, there's no guarantee I'll be promoted as well. Our store hasn't exactly lit the world on fire. I represent a continuation of that perceived "failure". Why not bring in a proven commodity to work under Diane? When the world is done shaking, I'll have to ask myself a question I don't want to answer: is there a future for me here? I hate the whole process. I guess I'll see how the next few weeks play out, and consider my options thereafter. I have no other choice.

Financial concerns don't end at work. I've been planning on a decent tax rebate since December. I have bills that would be far less burdensome with a fat check from the IRS. Unfortunately, WRKO failed to withhold enough taxes. My federal return is practically non-existent, and I'll likely owe money to the state. Best case, it's a wash and I'm left in a hole without a ladder. Worst case, I go further in debt. Let's not even consider what happens if I lose my job as well.

Maybe that's why I feel crappy so often. I wake up tired. I go through my day tired. My head hits the pillow, and I'm out like a light. I'm just completely spent. I wish I could say it was age, but I'm 27. I'm not old, and it's been years since I've been really ill. I just wish I could feel normal for a while.

I can't hide my dissatisfaction anymore. Sometimes I come home, and I'm crabby. Other times I'm just mean. Most of the time I lack enthusiasm for anything. People say I'm stoic, but my latest moods put the normal me to shame. I want to be hopeful, but it's hard to be when so much negativity exists in my life.

But throughout it all, I love Ana. If there's one thing I know for sure, it's that. She's an enigma to me much of the time, and she knows how to set me off, but she's a good person. Today she made me fruit salad. And yet, in the course of the evening she often suggested I don't love her as I should. Hell, she even sent me out by myself for a couple hours.

I have only myself to blame.

Sometimes I wish I knew how to read people. I fail EVERY time. Whether it's some ridiculous customer at work, or a genuinely close relationship, I can't seem to put the clues together and solve the larger puzzle. Am I blind? Or do I just lack intuition?

Today will be filled with more less than spectacular moments. So I ask... Did I cause this, or is it just happening with me in the middle? The truth must lie somewhere in between, but it eludes me at every possible moment.

My mind is busy with rambling thoughts lately, and most days I feel like something is lost in translation. I work so hard trying to get somewhere in life, that I lose track of where I am in the process. Right now, I'm nowhere in particular, but miles from where I thought I'd be. It's complicated, to be sure.

Rainy days are supposed to bring you down. At least that's what I've been told. Well, it's been raining since Friday, it won't stop till Tuesday (if not later), and yet I'm not "down" so much as bored. Go figure.

Reality set in for me last night. I don't make a heck of a lot of money, so I have to be a bit more frugal. I've been meaning to sit down to budget my expenses and savings, though I only relented last evening. Procrastination got the better of me yet again. Pitiful is the word that describes my situation. Thankfully, I don't have a TON of expenses, so my income fits my needs at present.

I'm working hard again. Prior to this current 4 day hiatus, I every day over the course of the previous couple weeks or so working at least 8 hours. About a week ago, I spent 12 or more hours at work for 6 days straight. I don't know if I should be proud or tired. Honestly I haven't had time to consider.

Things with Ana have alternated between great and horrible. I love her in ways I never knew I could, yet I do a lot of things I shouldn't, and cause needless havoc. I'm far from perfect, and my many insecurities often get the better of me. As always, I strive to do better. More often than not, I don't succeed.

I'd like to hit the trail again, even if only for a day or two. It seems unlikely I'll be able to head out for at least a couple months, with the Grand Opening and holiday season rapidly approaching. That said, I am optimistic. Ana and I have even discussed a possible hike this spring. I've still not taken her out on an overnight, and I often wonder if she'll enjoy it. Provided our plans become a reality, I suppose we'll soon see.

So I find myself again lacking the motivation to present a full picture of what's going on with me, but maybe I can find the time in the future. I hope so. This journal is much more useful when I use it.

It has been a while since I last made an entry here, and I know it must be nearly unbearable for those of you who anxiously await my every post... Ok, ok, I know none of you do that. Except maybe Joe. But he's weird like that. In any case, I'm here to provide a relevant update or two, and it's long overdue.

I am very happy to be joining the staff at the new Eastern Mountain Sports in Foxboro. At the end of July, I will begin my training, and there is so much to be excited about. My new title is rather meek: Floor Supervisor. And while it is a bit of a step down (from my Walgreens background), I seem well liked by my future boss(es). They have told me I'm presently considered a "very promotable" candidate, so unless I become a complete failure in my first few months on the job, there is considerable reason for optimism. It is quite possible for me to take on an Assistant Manager position (with a nice raise) by January of '09 - provided, of course, I learn the ropes well enough in my first few weeks. I now have a goal to reach and the means to accomplish it.

Because of my new position, I have decided to take some time off in the coming weeks. This weekend, I will spend a couple nights camping with Ana, Ron, his daughter "Little" Lauren, and possibly Ron's wife Teresa. It will be so nice to have a weekend off for a change, and I can't think of a much better way to spend it. It's pretty hard to beat a relaxing morning with coffee brewed over fire. While camping will be a well deserved break, I also have plans to hike 80 or 100 miles on the AT during the third week of July. Ana will drive me to Kent, CT on July 19th or 20th, at which point I'll head north for 5 or 6 days. I'm hoping to be in Dalton, MA by Thursday of that week, although I'll certainly settle for Lee, MA. Either way, it will be great to be back out on the AT, knocking off miles en route to 2000 miler status.

Among all of these preparations, Ana and I have begun looking at apartments for September. Unfortunately the best place we've seen has been an overpriced studio in Newton. I'm confident that we'll find a suitable new home, but the process is very stressful. Poor Ana has been burdened with the worst of it, too. I'll have to work on that, but given the amount of apartments available right now, I think we have our work cut out for us. Everything is so expensive, and (with a few exceptions) the real estate agents have been assholes. Wish us luck!

I've had a lot of doubt creep into my mind lately. I've doubted my intelligence, my abilities, my decision-making (from months ago), and my future prospects. I fancy myself an optimist most of the time, so any departure from that sort of thinking is not taken lightly by me, and I hope it hasn't worried any of my friends. I guess I could chalk it up to stress, or frustration, but mostly I think it's just emblematic of the cumulative fatigue I've developed over the last couple months. I am hopeful things will improve.

On Monday, I'll be headed to Marlboro, MA for an orientation meeting with Acosta (the de facto parent company of my current employer, M3). While I'm still thinking of it as a temporary employment situation, I'm having difficulty defining the duration of "temporary." A few weeks ago, I realistically thought I had a position awaiting me at Walgreens, and I wouldn't have considered a move like this. But drastic times call for desperate measures, as the saying goes, and I'm taking a leap into discontent all for the sake of dollars (and insurance, I suppose). At least I'll be full time - albeit underpaid.

Even with the move to Acosta, I have another interview on Thursday. At 4 PM that day I will be discussing my qualifications with none other than Hertz, the rental car company. I'm not really sure what to say about the position, but it looks equivalent to my old job at Walgeens. I'd be working a lot, in a management capacity, within a rotating schedule, in a position designed for promotion by personal achievement. Of course, if nothing comes out of the interview, I'll keep looking. No matter what, I'm trying to stay focused, although my patience is wearing thin.

My car is finally fixed, after months of procrastination. It really looks great, and you can't tell there was ever any damage. The bill for repairs actually came in below the appraisal. How often does that happen? Not that I'd be foolish enough to complain about that. Trust me, I'm rejoicing. I can't complain about my car anymore, and that is really comforting.

And now for the troubles that weigh most heavily on my mind... My brother has been taking medication to combat his Chron's/Colitis, which caused severe damage to his kidneys. They're now failing, forcing him to begin dialysis, and likely forcing him to need a transplant. Before I realized the severity of his condition, I told him I'd give him a kidney if he needed it. Now that possibility is looking more and more likely... and I'm getting worried. I don't think I want to back out, but I'm not sure I'm ready to "go under the knife." I'd do anything for my family, and I certainly won't let Ken go through unnecessary hardship if I can do something about it. But I am worried... Actually, to be honest, I'm afraid.

Some of that frustration has bubbled over in my personal life. I've been very gruff with my mother lately, brief with my brothers, and somewhat depressed with Ana. Fair or not, I don't know what I can do about it. Some people are uniquely in tune with the way the project themselves, and are able maintain a positive demeanor even when irritated. I'm not so sure that I can. As Ana is prone to saying, it's not what I say, but how I say it that causes problems. Being aware of my faults should be a good thing, but only time will tell if that makes a difference.

Anyways, I apologize (as usual) for the infrequency of my updates. I pledge to try harder henceforth.... And I am sorry if that pledge is one I don't keep.

I don't know where to begin. Maybe it would be easier if I updated this journal a bit more frequently. I'll work on that. Nothing major is happening right now, and that's the problem.

I'm still practically killing myself, working 7 days a week. The sad part is, I don't see any end in sight. On the plus side, I've been offered a FT job with Acosta (the parent company of M3, my current employer) doing assorted merchandising project work all over eastern MA. I guess that's an improvement on my current position, but still it's nothing to be proud of. I don't really see any advancement possibilities, and to be honest, the job feels beneath me.

There appears no easy solution to my work related ills. Even Walgreens - my fail-safe, fall-back option - has no positions available. That scares me. If they've got nothing, it's hard to imagine any smaller retailers with open positions. I check the career pages at REI and EMS daily, but my options with them are limited, and my labors have been fruitless. I've skimmed through the retail listings at Yahoo and Monster.com as well, but there are few positions that are a good fit for me. The most annoying part, though, is that I know most of the listings are for jobs that don't actually exist. Many retailers actively post jobs on career websites with no intention of hiring anyone; the postings are designed to collect resumes for consideration when a need emerges. Typically, these postings list general locations, like "The South Shore", "Boston Metro", or "Middlesex". Of course, I have sent out some resumes recently, but I'm not holding my breath.

The damage to my car is finally being repaired. In roughly 7-10 days - according to the appraiser's estimate - my car will be returned to me. Until then, I get the joy of driving a PT Cruiser from Enterprise Rent-a-Car. Not only is it unbearably sluggish, ugly, and uncomfortable, but it also gets meager gas mileage (something like 20 MPG), which means I'll be spending significantly more for gas over the next week than I would if I were driving my Taurus. While I'm currently on sure footing financially, I'd rather be driving a more fuel-efficient rental.

In a couple weeks, Ana and I will head south for Trail Days. I'm really looking forward to the trip. She's never done any serious hiking, and seems very enthusiastic about the experience. We'll be spending a night with Dave and Sue Hennel in Waynesboro en route to Damascus, which ought to be fun. Back in '06 they gave me a place to stay when my foot was infected. They're great people, and Sue is an excellent cook. I wish I had more exciting things to talk to them about, but alas I do not.

I've been out shopping with Ana lately, finding proper clothing for her to wear when hiking. The whole process makes me really miss the trail. It's good to know I'll be back out there again soon, and it's even better to know I'll be sharing that experience with Ana. I just hope she enjoys it as much as I know I will.

And speaking of her... it's been great. Aside from a couple rough patches, we usually have a great time together. Usually our troubles are my fault. Last night, when we returned to her apartment after an evening of shopping, I found myself laughing uncontrollably about something she had said earlier in the day. After a while, she didn't take too kindly to my laughter... In any case, I think I'll keep her. She makes me laugh, and she puts up with my idiosyncrasies. That's 2 for 2 in my book, and that's no easy task.

I apologize for my failure to update my journal with anything close to regularity. Call me a workaholic. Call me crazy. I don't care what you choose to call me, just realize I've a lot on my plate. I've been working seven days a week for over a month now - two full shifts at least one day a week - and it's beginning to wear on me. I honestly don't know how much longer I can keep this up. The good news is, I shouldn't have to endure much longer - if I'm smart.

My second job is a real bore. Monday through Thursday I find myself reorganizing and remerchandising shelves in Shaw's supermarkets. As a stop-gap, temporary position I couldn't have possibly asked for a better opportunity. That said, I think I would slit my wrists if I had to do this every day as a career. I like work to be a little challenging - perhaps even a little stressful. This is not either.

I called my old boss from Walgreens the other day, and asked about getting my old job back. He was very supportive, and gave me the information I need to move forward. A completed online application (and skills assessment) and a formal interview are all that stand between me and my old job. And realistically, the application and interview are mere formalities. The job is mine. I need only commit to it, which I haven't done yet. Why I haven't is still unclear. Maybe I'll do that today.

Meanwhile at WRKO, a lot of things are happening. They fired one of my Saturday morning hosts, and I have reason to believe another will be gone soon. The past couple weeks I've been left with only 2 hours of live programming on Saturdays, and it has been very depressing. If they fire my afternoon host, that's what my Saturdays will look like very soon. Ellen O'Brien has been out several of the last few weeks, leaving just John Gonzalez and I to hold down the fort. Those two hours have been fun, but I don't really want to work Saturdays if I'm just going to push play for three quarters of my shift. I do that on Sundays already, and it's such a chore. I think the drastic programming changes, compounded by budget cuts at the station prompted my boss's resignation last Friday. I've posted for his position, but there's at least half a dozen other producers more qualified than I am for the position - should they want it. I'm not holding my breath.

Just yesterday, I recieved an email from the GM of the Brockton Rox. I interviewed with them a couple months ago about a sales position, was offered the job, and turned it down. They now are wondering if I'd be interested in heading their Box Office Operations. I emailed them back seeking a more detailed job description. I don't want to dismiss a possible position with them, but I'm very skeptical. Again, I'm not going to get too excited.

More and more frequently I've been getting the urge to hit the trail again. I miss so much about my hike. I miss the people, and the great conversations I had with so many different individuals. I miss the quiet peace that lead to deep thought. I miss the beauty of so many places. And yes, I miss the gluttony... I absolutely love it out there. Ana and I are planning to attend Trail Days in May. I'm not sure if that will make me feel more at ease, but at least I'll feel more connected than I do now. And if I'm lucky, Ana will enjoy herself as well, and we'll be able to plan more hiking trips in the future. I really have no idea what she'll think of the whole ordeal.

Speaking of Ana, she's been... well... she's been great... In fact, I really don't have the words to describe how good she's been. I enjoy her company, and she makes me laugh. We often have different viewpoints, which allows for deep conversations. And still... there's more to it that I just can't describe. I'm happy, though. Very much so. And I think a major reason for that is Ana.

In any case, I think I've come to accept that I have to take a step back to move forward. I've done a ton of thinking about it, and I've realized I need to change course a bit. I do need to reconnect with the trail, and maybe reunite with some of my 2006 hiking pals. And on the work front, I think I need to change my priorities. I think it's likely that I'll go back to work for Walgreens because the experience I gain there will bolster my resume. And clearly, if I can prove myself at Walgreens, I should easily be able to transition to a more fun comparable store management position at EMS, REI, or another outfitter. And realistically, I think I could be just as happy managing an outfitter as I am now working in radio.

How's that kid song go? "Make new friends, but keep the old ones..." Yeah, I'm not so good at that. Or at least it seems that way lately. And by lately, I mean the last few years in general, and the last couple weeks in particular.

I talked to Nick just this morning. For those of you who aren't "in the know", he and I used to hang out pretty often. He's one of the few people in college I still consider a good friend. Unfortunately, this morning's conversation was the first we've shared since... well, sometime in November, I think. Odd as that might seem, it's not unusual for me.

There are so many people I used to consider good friends, who now hardly enter my life at all. Thinking back - even just a few years - and it's scary. Back in high school, I used to hang out with Josh Roop, Jeremy Roop, and Josh "Tuna" Cafarella a couple times a week. As recently as 2 years ago, every Sunday, I played pick-up football - or baseball depending on the season - with Steve Medeiros and a bunch of other guys. And just before my hike, I had my friends at work, my girlfriend, and family. I haven't really spoken to the Roops & Tuna in years. Since I returned from the AT, I've only briefly chatted with Steve and the football gang. As far as my Walgreens peeps, I haven't visited or spoken with them in at least 12 months. If I weren't playing pool every week with Ron, I think I'd likely have no contact with most of my family. I'm pretty pathetic. And adding insult to injury, my condition - a sort of lunacy that fosters a lack of attention to one's friends - appears to be getting worse. Not only am I not keeping up with old friends, I appear to be losing new ones.

I was working at WRKO just the other day, answering phones for Howie's show, when I actually had an AIM conversation with a supposed "friend" who only contacted me to tell me we were no longer friends. Wow. That's never happened to me before. The conversation - on AIM mind you - was really awkward, to say the least. Suffice it to say, I've been un-friended on myspace. No really... I'm not a friend in real life, and cyberspace. Apparently I've discovered a new way to multi-task.

Wow, it's Christmas Eve already... I find it funny how the season seems to build and build and build, steam-rolling towards this two day event, with the emotional uplift evaporating shortly thereafter. Each year we're reminded to be thankful for what we have, show kindness to our fellow man, and spend time with those who truly touch our lives. Unfortunately, I don't think I ever got the memo.

Let's go through the list, and I'll prove it...

1. Be thankful for what we have...

Yeah... Um... Let's see. I'm living at home... I drive a car with a massive scrape on the side... I am working tirelessly (at a job I love!), and I'm not being adequately rewarded for my effort... Thankful? No, I think I'm spiteful.

2. Show kindness to our fellow man...

I can't remember a time in my life where I was such an a-hole to people I don't know. I still don't judge people, but more and more often I find myself ignoring people or being short with them. I've never been the "snippy" type, but I think if I continue in this manner much longer, I may become just that.

3. Spend time with those who truly touch our lives...

This should mean family and friends. Ideally, that is. You know, in a "perfect" world... And while this is an awful thing to think, and an even worse thing to say, I find myself less and less connected to my family as time rolls on. And unfortunately, I'm not affording myself the opportunity to spend time with my friends either...

Ok... Ok... Negativity isn't my "thing." Don't get me wrong - I absolutely LOVE some things about my life. I'm not about to jump off the Bourne bridge or anything. In fact, I'm not even upset about any of these things. It's just that I feel like I'm failing in some way as a person because of my failures to comply with the 3 tenets of the Christmas season. Am I crazy to think that way? I don't know.

Which brings me to a more important line of reasoning. If I recognize what this season is about, and I recognize that I'm failing, why haven't I done anything about it? One concept comes to mind, and it's a simple two words: Christmas spirit. I lack it. I'll have to work on that for next year.

My work/life balance is about to get a real test... Or at least I hope so. I've given the station the requisite 6 months to get it's act together, and unfortunately, I have no positive news to report. I've officially begun looking for another 9-5. I do intend to continue my work on the weekends, which will create a strenuous 7 day, 60 hour-plus marathon of a week, but I think it's something I have to do. I know of no other way to earn more money, and force WRKO's hand. So sadly, a change is in order.

At the same time, today marks another moment of transition at the radio station, however, that may bring about some positive news for me. Todd Feinberg - the midday show host, and Mr. Fill-in personality - has rejected an offer to join the morning show with Tom Finneran, and has lost his midday slot to a host from New York named Reese Hopkins. I don't really know what this means for me, but it could be a positive thing. If Todd winds up at another station, with one of his producers, it's clearly a positive situation. If not, then it's the same old song and dance for me. Though, as I recall, both of his producers responded positively when Reese filled in during Howie's temper tantrum, so I doubt either will be leaving with him. Besides, I'm sure I would have heard by now if there were any news on that front. The silence has been quite telling.

I sent an email to one of my brother's associates at O'Connor Constructors, in the hopes that something would be available there to fill my need for a 9-5. As recently as last week, I was being told I'd have a job "tomorrow" if I just contacted this associate. Unfortunately, the word I've gotten from my brother recently has been less optimistic. He still thinks there is a position, but he's not sure how urgent the need is at this very moment. I can only wait, which is something I don't really want to do.

And of course, Christmas is exactly one week away. I think I've finished my shopping, and am happy to pronounce that loudly and proudly. I'm not entirely satisfied with all my purchases, but there are some gems I feel confident about. Of course, it's a season of giving, which means that even if the gifts aren't perfect, I'm sure all the recipients will claim they're thrilled. Except, of course, for Ana, who I'm sure will speak her mind... :) (Don't worry, I mean that in a good way!) At this point, there's really not much time left to shop, and I've lost any real inclination towards selecting the "right" gifts for people anyways. Now I just think practically, and hope my choice will be well received.

Joe held a Christmas party on Sunday night, which was a lot of fun. I brought Ana along, and I think she has some fans. I talked to Joe last night, and he seemed to like her. I honestly think he just likes anyone who's willing and able to be obnoxious and sarcastic towards me, and she does both quite well. On the other hand, Joe's new girlfriend seems nice enough, and I'm happy for him, as things finally seem to be working out for him on that front. (Like I said, Joe, we all have to get together again soon!) It's really unusual for the both of us to have things working out so well in our personal lives. It's like we've entered the Bizzaro world from Seinfeld... I swear, it's not supposed to be this way, though I can't complain.

Ana and I are planning to go up to Portland, ME in a couple weeks, to visit Ken and celebrate my 26th birthday. The trip will be fun, I'm sure, but to be honest, I'm feeling old and pathetic. I'm not a recent college grad anymore, and I don't know many people my age who are still living at home. With any luck that will change soon enough, but until it does I'll have to cope. It doesn't really matter anyways. The important thing here is, it's still a birthday, and I need to enjoy it. I'm looking forward to it.

Today is a positive day... Truly it is... So, despite a longing to talk about it, I will resist the urge to write about my 5 hour commute to Allston on Thursday. We'll leave it at that!

It's officially the Christmas season, and I hereby anoint myself the world's worst shopper. I went out last week with my brother, wandered through countless stores for hours, and yet I still have things to buy. Tomorrow I plan another marathon shopping session with Ron, and am hoping my quest will be more fruitful. Optimism is useful, even if merely a dream...

I feel obligated to remind people that I do enjoy Christmas, though, despite my reservations about shopping. And as ridiculous as my family life is, I do enjoy spending some time with them. I complain loudly and often about their many flaws, but it's the flaws that make them special - it's the flaws that make them unique. I guess I ought to appreciate that...

Saturday was a tough day at work for me. As usual, I was up bright and early to run Moe's show at 6 AM, functioning as best I could with heavy eyelids. That said, Moe's show is a breeze to run. He typically isn't inundated with callers, and doesn't expect me to have a ton of soundbites to go to. And despite his ridiculously conservative opinions, I enjoy running his program. I did have Taylor to answer phones for me, which was a nice change. (Taylor's a salesman for Entercom who's been gradually becoming more active in production. He really wants to be a producer...) Normally, I have to deal with Rachael for a couple hours before Paul gets in, and she can be... well... strange. During the hour between Moe's program and Ellen & John's program, I had to finish a comedy bit for John about Ellen's Canadian tendencies. But that was the easy part of my day. It seemed like during the entire 3 hours with Ellen & John, I was butting heads with Ellen on so many levels. I don't know how to explain it, but sometimes she's just too bitchy, and it irritates me to no end. Thankfully, I survived.

Saturday night I attended a Christmas Party in Fitchburg, where I met Ana's family and some of her parent's friends. I'll admit I was slightly worried about the event beforehand, but my apprehension was alleviated fairly quickly by a strong Cape Codder (or three) at the party. As late as Tuesday of last week, I had no intentions of going to the party, but Ana convinced me it would be fun. It was much better than I expected, though I did try to avoid her parents for much of the time. Ana & I have only been dating about a month now, and while I think she's told me a lot about them, the last thing I want to do is say something to offend them. That said, they both were very friendly hosts. For that, I am grateful...

I've done a lot of thinking lately about work. I believe it's safe to assume Tom can't offer me anything more substantial in the next few weeks. I don't think there's much more for me to prove. Aside from some minor details about running Howie Carr's program, I can handle just about any task they throw at me. They know the quality of my work, and they understand how passionate I am about it. All I can do now is wait. I've decided to leave myself with open availability throughout the month of December, which will help alleviate any scheduling woes Tom might have during the holiday season. Shortly after the 1st of January, though, I'd like to start working with O'Connor during the week. I'll keep up my Friday, Saturday, and Sunday commitment at WRKO - because that's how I'll earn a position during the week - but I'll also be able to get some FT benefits, and hopefully move closer to Boston (Canton, perhaps, Joe?) with the extra income. Eventually, if I'm patient, I'll be rewarded at WRKO, but in the meantime, I need to earn some actual loot so I can pay off some bills with money to spare and eventually move out of my mother's house. UGH! That's the plan anyways...

The calendar is a liar. It's officially winter in Massachusetts. How do I know this, you ask? Well, my car got stuck in some snow yesterday. Yeah, you read that correctly. I got stuck in some snow. That fluffy white stuff only falls from the sky during winter. I don't care what the calendar says. Thankfully, I kept my wits about me, laughed at my misfortune, and was able to free my vehicle without assistance.

Front wheel drive is supposed to be a blessing in the snow. Bearing the weight of the engine, your front wheels get better traction. They also more effectively utilize the horsepower of your engine, distributing that energy in the appropriate direction (forward or backward) without causing your car to skid to the side. I say this in generalities, of course, because yesterday morning's experience blew a hole in those theories the size of... well, something really big. In fact, had I been driving a rear wheel driven automobile, I would not have been stuck at all.

The parking space that provided a home for my vehicle is quite unique. Angled slightly from the lane of traffic behind Ana's apartment - perhaps more like 60 degrees than perpendicular - it can be tricky to park there if neighbors encroach on the space. At the same time, if you fail to enter the space at the appropriate angle, you will be parking with your driver's side front wheel in a bit of a hole. When that happens after a snow storm - particularly if no one has been parked there during the storm - you leave your vehicle perched upon a mound of slick and fluffy snow. When you try to leave such a space later, as I did, with a front wheel driven vehicle, as I have, you complicate the matter infinitely. The wheel that is supposed to apply it's power to the road is typically on the driver's side, and instead of working in your favor, the wheel spins freely in the mound of snow applying it's force to nothing. It's like being on a treadmill. The car works hard, but the vehicle goes nowhere.

Few things have the power to simultaneously irritate and entertain me. I hit the gas, hearing the tire spin, and watched my gauge dart over 5000 RPM's. Nothing, no movement. I laughed, realizing if my car did suddenly gain traction, I'd probably begin moving at a fairly high speed, and likely crash into Ana's apartment building. That brought a real smile to my face. Just over a week prior, I scraped my car on Ana's building, and that was irritating. Now I ran the risk accidentally totaling my car on the same building. Ridiculous. I put the car in drive, then reverse, trying to rock the car out of the hole. Still nothing. I needed to do something to increase the friction between my tire and the snow pack. I've heard about people carrying kitty litter for situations like this, but I'm not smart enough to carry such useful things. I looked around frantically, and found only a pile of leaves near the apartment. It was worth a try. I gathered a few handfuls of the dry maple leaves, and pushed them under both sides of the tire. Getting back in my car, I wasn't sure what would happen. I eased into the accelerator. Success! I was able to back out on the first try.

I wonder what it'll be tomorrow...

On Monday night (or early Tuesday morning, depending on your preference), I nearly nodded off to sleep in Allston, which would have made it difficult to get to Plymouth District court for my 8 AM jury duty. Thankfully, Ana made sure that didn't happen, and I spent the rest of the evening in Plymouth. I was awake and en route by 7:45, and arrived at the court parking lot just shy of 8 AM - or so I thought. As I drove around the courthouse, I was taken aback by the lack of traffic, by foot or car, around the building. Curious, I glanced at my jury duty reminder letter, and realized I was in the wrong place. Apparently, Plymouth had built a new courthouse near North High School. I was in the center of town, at the empty old courthouse. "Damn it," I thought to myself. "I'm going to be late."

I arrived at the new building just after 8 AM, and was comforted by the half-filled parking lot and abundance of people mulling around the courtyard. As I walked from my car, I hoped my tardiness would go unnoticed, and was rewarded with a sign at the main entrance stating the hours of the court as 8:30 till 4. The line at the metal detector made me realize I had nothing to worry about after all. You'd have to be a total ass to berate anyone for being late after waiting in that line.

The jury room was on the second floor. I simply followed the crowd, and was greeted with yet another lengthy line. Bored, I took up a conversation with fellow jurors in line nearby. The young female in front of me was nervous because she had never served before, and in fact never received a reminder letter. I talked briefly about my day-long service in Wareham District court years ago - with particular emphasis on the rummy and poker matches played - and she seemed to settle down. The older gentleman behind me said we ought to be thankful our "civic duty" lasted only a day. Apparently not long ago jurors served for a month at a time. My day of boredom in Wareham suddenly seemed less of a burden. Eventually, we were ushered into a large auditorium filled with row upon row of uncomfortable seats, and our day really began.

I realized shortly after entering the room, that I'd made a critical mistake: I forgot to bring something to read. I knew from the last time I served on jury duty that there would be a lot of pointless waiting, and yet I forgot to bring something to keep my mind occupied during the boredom. If only I could get out to my car at some point, I knew I had a couple books in the backseat. In the meantime, I'd have to get creative. After signing in, I slowly ambled down the center aisle scanning the crowd for an empty seat next to someone reading a newspaper. I was lucky, and as I took my seat, I kindly asked the gentleman to my right if there was a section I could borrow, and thankfully he could spare the Sports section. We then enjoyed a video describing the entire jury duty process.... yeah, really gripping stuff.

About half an hour later, a magistrate told us that we'd have a bit of time before anything was going to happen, so she told us we were free to leave the building for 45 minutes. Before she could finish her speech, I was out the door, heading down the stairs, my mind set on getting to Mary Lou's Coffee Shop across the street before the crowd could make the wait unbearable. I still had to wait in a line, but had I not rushed out, I'm sure the wait would have been worse.

During my brief break, I also ran to my car, ditched my jacket, and grabbed a book. For the next several hours, I'd be enjoying the gruesome story of Aron Ralston's "Between a Rock and a Hard Place". Talk about hardcore... That guy went solo hiking in Utah, got his arm pinned in a canyon, and was forced to hack off the limb just below the elbow in order to free himself. Given his story, I felt a little less burdened by the day's events.... I returned to the waiting room, took my seat, and began reading.

Nearly an hour later, another court officer joined us, we were moved into a large courtroom, and the boredom really began. I was number 119, and the jury pool was being selected from our group in numerical order. For the next few hours, I sat in the audience as the lawyers ran through 87 potential jurors to fill out the 12 person jury. I never was called on, never questioned, and was sent home with my fellow un-used jurors around 3 PM. WOW. Boring!

I did an awful thing the other day. Something I said I would NEVER do. I feel pretty silly about it too. Yeah, I joined facebook. That said, I didn't really put much effort into the whole process. I've not posted a picture, and there's virtually no personal information up. In fact, according to my profile, I'm as close to a non-person as an actual person can be, and I'm not sure that will change any time soon. Anyways...

I'm feeling accomplished and yet defeated at the same time. It's a talent, to be sure, but I'm a man of many skills. The ability to win some, lose some, and ultimately come out even is nothing new to me. Sometimes, I just wish I could choose my outcomes. Unfortunately, I'm not God.

Yesterday provides an excellent example. On a positive note, I happily headed off to work from Ana's apartment. Rather than a lonely start to the day followed by an hour of traffic laden hell, I enjoyed a peaceful start and a 5 minute commute. Things were definitely too good to be true. As I turned down the narrow alley that leads to the exit from her parking lot, I scraped my car on the side of her apartment building. It didn't seem like much at the time, and I kind of laughed it off. But then I got to work, and had an opportunity to admire my work. Wow. I might as well deduct the $500 deductible from my next paycheck, because that scrape is quite a piece of work. I guess if you're going to do something, you might as well do it right. To add insult to injury, I don't have a valid excuse either. I had gotten plenty of sleep, I wasn't drunk, and as far as I can tell I was not impaired in any way. I was just careless, and now I'll pay for my stupidity. Oh well.

I did have a nearly uneventful Thanksgiving. I spent 8 hours at work, and while that might seem to put a damper on things, I think I'd prefer working to 8 hours with my crazy family. Every holiday seems to erupt in anger at some point or another, so my absence - even if only a few hours - might keep me out of the worst of it. I was lucky enough to walk in the door just as the turkey hit the table. But again, maybe things were going too well. I got nothing but harassment about my whereabouts the previous weekend. I don't particularly care to divulge the details of my personal life to my entire family, so I remained silent and endured the prodding.

This weekend has flown by, again I haven't really been home, and now I'm faced with a couple days off. Tomorrow, after likely sleeping half the day away, I'll be joining Ana for a movie in Allston. I'll probably hang out with her for a while, but I will have to return to Plymouth because on Tuesday I enjoy the privilege of jury duty. Maybe I'll have time that day to get my car appraised and set up a time for repairs. That would be convenient, as I'd like to get it fixed sooner rather than later.

So basically, I've got a lot happening. Ana is such an awesome person, and I've really enjoyed all the time I've spent with her recently. Work has been tons of fun, and I've put a lot of effort into putting together good programs. But at the same time, my employment status has not improved, and I've caused myself more financial problems by damaging my car.